April 23, 2016

I never thought I’d someday be thinking of exchanging my time in Jeddah for someone. I’m so confused. I must really be falling and it scares me. I don’t know if I should just let myself fall or stop. Right now it feels like I could be giving in anytime. I’ve guarded myself for so long and I don’t want to bring my walls down for someone who isn’t sure. Ironically, I still think of the other when I shouldn’t be.

 

11:20am

April 21, 2016

I do love him.

I love how much we can spend hours together just talking.
I love how we could just listen to music and not talk.
I love the comfortable silence between us.
I love how he listens to me.
I love how he doesn’t judge me even if he knew every stupid thing I made.
I love how he accepted me. I love how he smiles when we take pictures.
I love how he silently laughed when he caught me staring at him when we went out with his friends.
I love it when I felt his arm around my hip that night.
I love how he tells me things that he doesn’t tell other people.
I love how at ease he is with my family, how easily he joined our conversations, how my mom trusts him.
I love how he shows me this side of him that he doesn’t let anyone see.
I love how he puts his head to mine when I rest my head on his shoulders.
I love everything about him.
I love him.

But I don’t know if I can deal with the uncertainty that’s him. I have someone waiting for me and I can feel myself slowly releasing my grip on what we have. I’ve been waiting for so long already. I notice the little things he’s slowly doing but I don’t want to assume.

I love him but I don’t know if I can take more of it.