Voices In Our House

We grew up in a house where we where sheltered and were given everything we want or whatever my parents wants us to have. My brother and I out very thankful that we have them. They strive harder just to give us the very best. And we know that, we see their efforts. We’re very grateful for everything.

Growing up, I believed and I knew that I can do everything that I set my mind into. I believed in myself. I may not be smart but I have my way of doing everything that I want to do. My parents are great, yes but somehow, I know that I developed all the reservations that I have in myself now because of them. They tell us that we’re too dependent but they don’t give us the chance to make them see that we can make it on our own. One mistake, and that’s it. They blow up, they get mad. It’s understandable, but I wish they’d given me more chance. We didn’t have voices of our own. They don’t listen to us. I don’t know if it’s because they want to show dominance or that’s just who they are. We try to share our opinions and the next thing we know is we are shushed. I wish they heard us more. I wish they’d given us the chance to be one of them. Personally, I always felt small when it comes to them. They’re this great big figure looming over me. And that’s fine. Because they’re my parents and they just want to see me grow into this great person they’d always pictured me to be. I just wished I had more voice. I just wished they heard me more. I wish they’d given me the chance. They’re great and I love them so much. I appreciate everything they do. But just like any other person, they’re flawed. And I understand that too.

 

12:16am

Hidden Feelings

Turning 20 in a few days and I’ve already gone through so much. To other’s, the problems I have faced may not be a big deal, but to me, it was an ocean that kept on drowning me until I feel myself slowly losing my life.

No one ever noticed it when I was faking my smile, my laugh. No one noticed when I cried myself to sleep or when I cried in the dark. No one ever noticed it when I didn’t want to do anything all day but to sleep. In fact, it was mistaken for me being too lazy to do anything when in fact, I chose to sleep all day because you can’t feel pain in your sleep.

I learned to lift myself up little by little but I still find myself slowly being sucked into that big black hole of unhappiness. The fear just keeps on coming and coming, the sadness taking over, the thoughts pulling me down every second, every minute, every hour. And I can’t do anything to pull myself up again. I fake a smile, fake a laugh but as soon as it ends, I am left with being empty again.

 

It hurts.

I keep on coming back to square one. It’s hard.

I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel like I’m unwanted, I feel unloved, I feel like I’m alone. And those are the worst feelings to feel when you’re trying so hard to be happy.

I feel like no one ever gives meh the chance. I feel like before I could even show them what I could give, they leave. They leave without turning back, without giving a doubt. And it’s not helping.