Turning 20 in a few days and I’ve already gone through so much. To other’s, the problems I have faced may not be a big deal, but to me, it was an ocean that kept on drowning me until I feel myself slowly losing my life.
No one ever noticed it when I was faking my smile, my laugh. No one noticed when I cried myself to sleep or when I cried in the dark. No one ever noticed it when I didn’t want to do anything all day but to sleep. In fact, it was mistaken for me being too lazy to do anything when in fact, I chose to sleep all day because you can’t feel pain in your sleep.
I learned to lift myself up little by little but I still find myself slowly being sucked into that big black hole of unhappiness. The fear just keeps on coming and coming, the sadness taking over, the thoughts pulling me down every second, every minute, every hour. And I can’t do anything to pull myself up again. I fake a smile, fake a laugh but as soon as it ends, I am left with being empty again.
I keep on coming back to square one. It’s hard.
I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel like I’m unwanted, I feel unloved, I feel like I’m alone. And those are the worst feelings to feel when you’re trying so hard to be happy.
I feel like no one ever gives meh the chance. I feel like before I could even show them what I could give, they leave. They leave without turning back, without giving a doubt. And it’s not helping.