We grew up in a house where we where sheltered and were given everything we want or whatever my parents wants us to have. My brother and I out very thankful that we have them. They strive harder just to give us the very best. And we know that, we see their efforts. We’re very grateful for everything.
Growing up, I believed and I knew that I can do everything that I set my mind into. I believed in myself. I may not be smart but I have my way of doing everything that I want to do. My parents are great, yes but somehow, I know that I developed all the reservations that I have in myself now because of them. They tell us that we’re too dependent but they don’t give us the chance to make them see that we can make it on our own. One mistake, and that’s it. They blow up, they get mad. It’s understandable, but I wish they’d given me more chance. We didn’t have voices of our own. They don’t listen to us. I don’t know if it’s because they want to show dominance or that’s just who they are. We try to share our opinions and the next thing we know is we are shushed. I wish they heard us more. I wish they’d given us the chance to be one of them. Personally, I always felt small when it comes to them. They’re this great big figure looming over me. And that’s fine. Because they’re my parents and they just want to see me grow into this great person they’d always pictured me to be. I just wished I had more voice. I just wished they heard me more. I wish they’d given me the chance. They’re great and I love them so much. I appreciate everything they do. But just like any other person, they’re flawed. And I understand that too.
Turning 20 in a few days and I’ve already gone through so much. To other’s, the problems I have faced may not be a big deal, but to me, it was an ocean that kept on drowning me until I feel myself slowly losing my life.
No one ever noticed it when I was faking my smile, my laugh. No one noticed when I cried myself to sleep or when I cried in the dark. No one ever noticed it when I didn’t want to do anything all day but to sleep. In fact, it was mistaken for me being too lazy to do anything when in fact, I chose to sleep all day because you can’t feel pain in your sleep.
I learned to lift myself up little by little but I still find myself slowly being sucked into that big black hole of unhappiness. The fear just keeps on coming and coming, the sadness taking over, the thoughts pulling me down every second, every minute, every hour. And I can’t do anything to pull myself up again. I fake a smile, fake a laugh but as soon as it ends, I am left with being empty again.
I keep on coming back to square one. It’s hard.
I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel like I’m unwanted, I feel unloved, I feel like I’m alone. And those are the worst feelings to feel when you’re trying so hard to be happy.
I feel like no one ever gives meh the chance. I feel like before I could even show them what I could give, they leave. They leave without turning back, without giving a doubt. And it’s not helping.
Now I know in my heart the the other one could never work. We can never be more than friends. At least that’s what I have decided. I’m finally done with him taking me for granted. Someone else appreciates me and I guess it’s okay to say that I’m almost falling. I still have my doubts and reasons but I can say that this is a good thing I guess. I’m still not giving my all though. I’m just in this neutral stage wherein I’m expecting myself to get hurt a little but it’s the hurt that’s bearable. I still have to think things through and we have a long way to go. He makes me happy and he makes me smile and that’s all I really want. He doesn’t complain about us talking everyday and that’s really nice. And I appreciate it.
I never thought I’d someday be thinking of exchanging my time in Jeddah for someone. I’m so confused. I must really be falling and it scares me. I don’t know if I should just let myself fall or stop. Right now it feels like I could be giving in anytime. I’ve guarded myself for so long and I don’t want to bring my walls down for someone who isn’t sure. Ironically, I still think of the other when I shouldn’t be.
I do love him.
I love how much we can spend hours together just talking.
I love how we could just listen to music and not talk.
I love the comfortable silence between us.
I love how he listens to me.
I love how he doesn’t judge me even if he knew every stupid thing I made.
I love how he accepted me. I love how he smiles when we take pictures.
I love how he silently laughed when he caught me staring at him when we went out with his friends.
I love it when I felt his arm around my hip that night.
I love how he tells me things that he doesn’t tell other people.
I love how at ease he is with my family, how easily he joined our conversations, how my mom trusts him.
I love how he shows me this side of him that he doesn’t let anyone see.
I love how he puts his head to mine when I rest my head on his shoulders.
I love everything about him.
I love him.
But I don’t know if I can deal with the uncertainty that’s him. I have someone waiting for me and I can feel myself slowly releasing my grip on what we have. I’ve been waiting for so long already. I notice the little things he’s slowly doing but I don’t want to assume.
I love him but I don’t know if I can take more of it.